Friday, January 23, 2009

Great Library Assistant Wisecracks:

Over the years i've heard some classic lines from my much-loved colleaugues and borrowers and it's about time I started cataloguing the treasure house of one-liners for future generations of Library Assistants... ps the 2nd wisecrack was made by me, and actually i wasnt joking, so the joke is on me...

Borrower: According to your computer I’ve expired!
Library Assistant: Well you look remarkably well considering…

Borrower: I want one of the Lonely Planets…
Library Assistant: Which planet would you like to go to?

Borrower: I just rang to enquire if the Library has a policy of only employing half-wits?
Library Assistant: Absolutely not!! As an Equal Opportunity Employer we follow the same non-discriminatory policy that applies to Borrowers.

Borrower: I have several reservations…
Library Assistant: I have reservations about almost everything.

Borrower: This request may sound a little strange…
Library Assistant: To a public librarian nothing sounds strange.

Borrower: I need help…
Library Assistant: Financial, Ethical or Intellectual?

Borrower: I’m after a book but I cant remember the title or author
Library Assistant: Was it “Memory: How we Use it, Lose it and Improve it” by David Samuel?

Borrower: I just saw an interesting book on the returns shelf, it was about Mental Birth Control…
Library Assistant: It was mine and with 5 kids I can’t recommend the item.


  1. I WANT THE BOOK "HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE" (yes, this request was yelled at me)...ha ha ha, I bet we all have 'comedy' stories like this.....

  2. I think this one has legs - get enough sail up and you could go international with this one.

    I'm doing my first desk shift in about 5/6 weeks this afternoon, I'll keep my ears flapping for something witty to add.

  3. Last week a little old lady told us she thought she'd broken the OPAC. I hopped on another one to see if it was working OK. It was. "Oh good," she said. "I've got strong healing hands and I thought I might have broken it."

  4. A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".

    The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head.

    Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it.

    The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".